Can I stop running now?

I haven't stopped running, kids in tow, since I closed the door to my home and everything I knew on March 25th. 4 bags, $25 and three kids.

Everything has taken a million steps. Making a new life is so complicated and exhausting. Everytime I figure something out (daycare, work, legal, budget, etc) one of the peices of the chain pops out and I have to rework life all over again.

Most difficult has been the work and daycare. I am so thankful for my nursing license and the ability to get work when a lot of people can't. I'm also grateful for the shot in the arm of "You can do this!" that this job has given me, BUT..... the 16 hours shifts and night jobs doesn't allow us to get close to anything stable or normal. The kids get woken up at 5 only to spend an hour and a half in the car, get dropped off at the babysitter and then stay there until 10 pm, only to make the drive back home again. It's tiring, eats away the kids time with their one parent left and hasn't allowed me to get involved in church or Divorce Recovery.

But alas! A new job has come! I got the job I have been praying for! It's 12 hours, Monday, Wednesday and Friday and close to home. The pay is better and the hours allow me to put the kids in a regular preschool and then have dinner, bathtime and prayers at night. I'm hoping that this will help me to transition from survival mode to creating a new family normal.

Thank you God for my new job and the new preschool the kids will be at!

Christmas Eve will be 10 months.

Doomed to adultery?

At Bible study Wednesday night, a heading caught my eye "Divorce". Our study wasn't even on that. It was on the equally painful subject of forgiveness, but I was side tracked for a while reading and rereading the following passage:

Mathew 5:32

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Does that mean that if Wasband hadn't cheated on me the day after I left I wouldn't have biblical grounds for divorce? Does that also mean I was wrong for leaving him before adultery occurred, even though he was abusing me? Is sexual unfaithfulness the only permissible exit as far as God is concerned?

My gut says no. I know God loves me and the kids and wants us to be safe. I feel I was right to leave him and even file for divorce before I ever found out about the cheating.

Wasband was abusive for years, and was becoming more so. I had tried reconciliation. I tried to work things out. But is that enough as far as God is concerned? He wants us to turn the other cheek. Forgive without a number attached to how many times.

I've tried doing topical studies and am coming up empty. The divorce is happening, that isn't going to change, but according to the scriptures I've found, I cannot get married again without sinning. Is that true?

Fret

to agitate, wear away, consume, erode peace, gnaw away like acid...

...This new life is filled with so many things that can get me walking around looking like my cheeks are getting sucked into my face.

Inconsistent childcare, no child support, loss of an entire family, 16 hour work days, embarassment on not being able to afford presents, rushing around and never doing anything to the quality that I once did...on and on.

Yet God tells me not to fret. So I won't. Instead, I'll focus on the ways that I see Him providing and loving on us.

So Inspiring

In the process of all this divorcing and relocating, I also had to do a lot of virtual relocating as well. Prior to March, all my favorite blogs were neatly collected in my google reader. When I switched email acounts I lost them. Big groan. But aha! I have found them and they're now properly stored over to your right. No, not by the coffee pot silly, the right of your computer screen. Go ahead, take a look...I hope you love them as much as I do.

Warning...be prepared to lose more time than you do on facebook while perusing the blogs that make me smile.

Examples of their goodness:




By the helpful and practical Audrey

Upcycle DIY by Maya* Made

DIY Garland or Christmas ornaments by Katiecupcake

Holy Cute! The things MoxieFab collected in this post are so perfectly adorable!

Bringing some blog articles to the limelight made me think that it would be fun to do a weekly collection of DIY craft projects I've found around the web. What do you think?

Dear Sir,

So there's this guy (eyes rolling)...

It's totally his fault. He carried my diaper bag and loaded my kids into the car for me. (And before you race to call DCF, I know this guy. I'm not just letting strangers hang out with my kids). So anyways, he's totally helpful and a complete piece of eye candy and his name just happens to sound like some type of medieval hero. We'll just call him Troy.

To his dear helpful man-cub and well entrusted Troy, Master of eye candy, a knight of the household of the viscount of Lakeland, greeting and a ready will to do his pleasure,

Because we know that you are uneasy about the state of Verymaryland and her young minions, and are interested in the general welfare of her kingdom and those closely related therein, I do beseech thee dear Troy to give me thine muscles. Yes, give me thine muscles.

No doubt an account has already reached you regarding the cute little nickname I keep for you that I try to keep to my chambers and in conference with my maidens. Being as you are aware of my crushing, I find it beneficial to give you exact information as to our request on how this is going to go down.

As stated prior, we want your muscles. The minions need carrying and being pushed on the swings. We will need to load you up like a pack mule with diapers, garments, goblets and portable chariots. Maiden Verymary beseeches your muscles for her personal use of opening spaghetti jars as well as in battle.

We request of thee, to be the front line.

Maiden Verymary does not like wearing soldier garb or the callouses that come with wielding weaponry. On closing note, thank you for your considerations...oh and can you not wear a shirt and grease 'em up?

Gratefully yours,

Maiden Verymary

Forgiveness is tangy

An excerpt from my journal:

What do my actions say about forgiveness?

Am I unforgiving or is it rightful anger?

Am I bitter or am I holding him accountable for his choices?

Maybe I have forgiven. Perhaps I only _feel_like an angry, uncompromising bitch, when I stick to my boundaries. Boundaries are something new. They feel weird. Perhaps I'm just being protective of myself after having been hurt so deeply.

It's good to protect. Healthy even. I have the choice as to what role he gets to play in my life. If he is not safe, I don't have to talk to him.

The following are hard choices made out of protection, not meanness:

1. Not talking to him

2. Limiting the kids exposure to him

3. Not budging on the boundaries I've set for child support

4. Requiring a passed drug test before he spends time with the kids.

What does unforgiveness look like?

Slandering, bringing up his failures needlessly, stubbornness, feeling like he owes me something, purposefully not moving on...I'm sure there is more. Am I doing that?

When I fume inside because the sermon is about how husbands are to protect their wives, is that unforgiveness? When the kids complain about their shoes being two small, and I get frustrated because I know I can't afford new shoes and wasband isn't helping financially at all, is that bitterness?

So it seems to me that after praying about it, I think I have forgiven him. I think what I feel is justified anger rather than unforgiveness. If I watched a dog get abused would I feel like I had unforgiveness issues because I spoke up to stop it? No! I'd be the conduit for justice.

So I have forgiven wasband. He royally screwed me over and I'm thinking that its not unforgiveness when I don't want to talk, don't want to be his friend, don't really care about what's happening in his life. God told us that there are consequences for our sin. So, it's not unforgiveness when I say "you made your bed, now you and her can lie in it."

I think I'll go have a drink...at the communion table.

Forgiveness

I've gone through a lot in my life. Big deals, little deals and some just annoying things...but have been able to forgive. Forgiveness was never really a struggle for me. Until now.

I just don't know if I truly am forgiving him. At church I stayed seated and cried out of frustration as others went up to take communion. I wasn't convinced my heart was clear in regards to all that has happened between the wasband and I. So how can I take communion which is remembering and thanking God for all that He forgave me for, when I don't know if I have forgiven my ex.

I get angry. I don't want to have to be the bigger man. I don't want to let him off the hook. Another woman fell asleep on my pillow after having sex with my husband, while my children and I traveled across the country without a home. Nope, don't want to forgive. She can have my pillow but I want to be angry.